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Okay, I know I have to let go of Weiner already (ha!) but it’s just too much fun.  There is Latino/Weiner news I just can’t ignore.

So, while I called him out in jest on behalf of the Latino community for picking the pseudonym “Carlos Danger,” apparently some other Latinos did too… and meant it.  Because nothing says, “Let’s get some attention for my issues,” like pseudo-outrage about the fake name Weiner chose for sending pictures of his… well, you get the picture.

Weiner went on Univision this morning to answer questions about why his kinky name was Latino.  (The press tour of shame… now En Español!)  It’s just too much fun… let me roll transcript:

Interviewer: You picked the pseudonym ‘Carlos Danger’ to hold these conversations of sexual content online. Why did you pick a Hispanic name and how dangerous were you really?

Weiner: It was a joke in my personal life between me and one person.

Not content to just make endless penis jokes like the rest of us, Rev. Erick Salgado felt compelled to get All Culturally Serious on Weiner by calling him to apologize to the Latino community.  “For Anthony Weiner to hide under a Spanish name to do his bad behavior is very insulting to the Spanish community,” he said.  Missing the point that for Anthony Weiner to do what Anthony Weiner does is insulting to the human race.

Pundits, corporate spokespeople and others totally not authorized to speak for entire groups of people, you are missing a golden opportunity here.  You too could be adding to your press clippings by stretching the Weiner thing (see?  I did it again!) to generate faux outrage on behalf of… someone.  Anyone.

Some suggestions:

Fruit of the Loom:  “Frankly, we are appalled on behalf of the boxer brief wearers of America.  To sully the dignified and important contribution that boxer briefs have made to America by featuring them in lewd and suggestive photographs shows a disdain for anyone who has ever worn a pair of underwear with pride.”

Kodak:  “If there is anything that Anthony Weiner has taught us, it’s that it all depends on how you use the tools you are given.  A fire can bring warmth or it can bring destruction.  Our cameras can capture the glorious hues of a gorgeous sunset… or they can be used to sordidly capture photographs that the surpringly buff Weiner can use to impress 22-year-old girls.  Frankly, on behalf of photography aficionados everywhere, here’s hoping for a lot more sunsets and a lot less Weiner.”

Representative of the National Association for People With Eyeballs (NAP-WE).  “We at NAP-WE would like to condemn Weiner for the burning and tearing sensation countless people have felt in the wake of his shameful acts.  It is an insult to people with eyeballs everywhere that we have to keep looking at picture after picture of Weiner.”

And, lastly, allow me to take a moment to speak on behalf of Latinos and, while I’m at it, on behalf of penises and everyone who’s got one or loves one.  Or has seen one.  “Enough already.”  Ándale.

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