In Writing

I have had my share of devastation. I have had those moments in which life changes forever. You try to hold on and tell yourself it won’t, but even as it’s unfolding you feel a seismic shift.

9/11. And others, more personal, devastating events for one, in which the whole map of life was rewritten.

And so it is in knowing that this man’s name is going to be etched into our history books. I feel dirty. Violated. I feel so afraid. I worry about the stock market crashes and the tanking economy. I wonder how I’ll keep my job and my house. I worry that another recession is coming. I wonder who of the people I know will get trapped on the wrong side of a foolish wall. I wonder what we’ve done to unleash the Pandora’s box of xenophobia and bigotry out into the light of day. I’m disgusted at the thought of alt right conspiracy theorists walking the stately halls of the White House.  I ache at the fear my Muslim brothers and sisters feel today, and at how devastated victims of sexual abuse are to know a man who hurts and devalues women is now our leader, his behavior tacitly approved, the message to women being: speaking up won’t matter.

I am so damn scared. I feel betrayed by the country I thought I knew, but didn’t. I am so disappointed at the racism and woman-hating that was lurking just under the surface. I’m furious at the Johnson voters, just half of whom would have swung four key states in the right direction, if they weren’t busy navel gazing with a “protest vote.” They have ruined an economy and a future, setting us up for wars and conflict and humiliation on the world stage. We are already a mockery. I shudder to think how much worse it will get.

I am so sad.

I am disappointed in women who thought so little of themselves that they didn’t stand up against a President Pussygrabber. I am furious at a media who underestimated the threat and didn’t do its job. I am outraged that ignorance and isolationism won. I am livid that my future and that of my children was hijacked by people who couldn’t be bothered to finish college or educate themselves on basic concepts, like the arithmetic of this man’s silly and impossible promises.

Honestly, on days like today, my hope is all gone.

I know I’ll find it again tomorrow. Being home will help. But today I am just devastated.

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